I have always been afraid I might become one of those zealous Christians. You know - the kid at the mall wearing the black t- shirt that reads "death" passing out one- two- three steps of how to simply to convert to Christianity with a sketchy picture of a hell and then a crucifix ( like the ones in walmart on the candles). Something about it isn't appealing.
How skewed it has become- how tarnished such a beautiful thing has become bastardized. From the dusty shelves of a theologian's library to the empty rhetoric of a politician, it seems the definition, the purpose of this 'religion' has been lost.
And so the search begins. The longing for completion. The cry for redemption.
"God where are you?" Becomes the unanswered question repeatedly asked whether it be a silent murmur at night as we look blankly at the ceiling, or a scream from the depth of our hearts on our knees.

But how breath taking- how marvelous- when He does meet with us.

God is right in front of us. If we would only open our eyes we would find him waiting to meet with us. And how intoxicating when we do! The love that pours out of my heart in the presence of God is such a testimony not only to myself but to those around me of the supernatural effect of his power. How true the words of St. Augustine were when he wrote "Our hearts were made for you O Lord and they are restless until they rest in you"
Whether in the eyes of strangers passing by, an old hymn, or even through the beauty of nature, we will find more and more that we are surrounded by a majestic God who is waiting to penetrate our souls.

"Then you with call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. "- Jeremiah 29:12-13

Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen to one again. Willa Cather
(or are they?)

It astonishes me how much time I can spend in my room reading and writing. I really do like to be by myself.
Last summer I went to a party and although I hate big social gatherings, I was unusually talkative and comfortable at this certain event. At one point this girl came up to me that I had never met in my life looking somewhat confused and exclaimed "I read an article that you wrote and I absolutely loved it, but I must say that I have been watching you for awhile and you are nothing like I imagined...I thought that you would be a silent introvert with glasses shyly sitting in the corner...but boy was I wrong..you are outgoing and funny! I was a little shocked at her comment and thought to myself...yes, but that's how I really feel! A strange experience but nonetheless made me think.

Its ironic how we portray ourselves in certain ways that are so disconnected from our thoughts and feelings. I feel like to a certain degree it is necessary that I portray myself differently. If everyone was to go around vomiting their whole beings on others, we would overwhelm and misunderstand each other. But how beautiful when we do connect and comprehend the "whole" of someone. I guess there is some purpose in learning how to be shallow in order to communicate on a certain level (such as parties) but why is it that I feel like thats it? As if the shallow conversation should be the means to a deep friendship, and yet your left to find that the surface is not the means but only the end? Quick fixes and simply answers are what we demand! Cheap conversations. Cheap thoughts. Cheap relationships. Why dont I struggle for the best? Why dont I strive for perfection? Why dont I suffer for depth?


And this is where I feel defeated. Instead of fighting my mundane reality I have given up and instead live in my memories. Like an old flickering movie, I would rather dwell on esoteric moments then press on through "life." As if I should try and squeeze all I could out of them. But the problem with memories is that they are distorted reality. Although they maybe enjoyable, they are merely what we want to remember excluding the whole reality of the experience.

So I will continue with the mundane. I will strive out of the old and into the new. And as difficult as it maybe, I will search for hidden pearls and maybe discover an ounce of depth.

"To be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to stand in need of grace." - Brennan Manning

I am going to backtrack and write about this last semester.

This is somewhat intense maybe but we are all flawed and its through our weaknesses that we really live-through our brokenness that we grow.

Vivid flashbacks.
"Caroline what do you want- do you want it to be your choice or not?" A voice replied as i ranted about my internal battle. For weeks I had been struggling with this small question. Do I have free will? For some reason it had eaten away at me almost paralyzing me in my thoughts. It had built a wall and enslaved me. I had become obsessed with an unanswered question. No solution. No answers. Hours and hours passed as I tried to work through this puzzle with unfitted pieces. Lying in my bed...staring at my fan...around and around...it went...like my thoughts...like my emotions.

A few months before I briefly met someone - a fellow lover of philosophy- and a peculiar conversation had haunted me ever since. We were discussing the paradox and struggle of faith and reason. I commented " It's hard to find a balance between intellectual rebellion and intellectual apathy." A pause. I did not have to explain myself. "You know," he replied "most people never find the balance." -

Growing up church there were certain standards I was expected to uphold (something like): "dont go to bars- dont hang out around bad boys who will want to de-flower you- and keep your panties on!" But besides that there wasnt much accountability.
I spiraled into a black hole. I wanted to figure out everything. Yes - man's greatest struggle- wanting to attain complete sovereignty over ourselves- desiring to be our own god. Typing this out i realize how strange this must seem, but i cant even begin to explain how self- destructive I became in this battle- I would go through days where it would completely take over my life leaving me dazed and depressed. Unfortunately I thought that thinking about the solution to my over-arching problem would lead me to a solution but it- of course- only made it worse.
After school one day I spent the afternoon reading a philosophical book and in the story the main character began to have a mental breakdown as a result of hours struggling with unanswered questions. Later that night I called my mom terrified. Now, I was not having a nervous breakdown but it was as if I realized the danger of my desire.
This struggle ripped me to pieces and left me completely broken. My "thinking" was done in vain and had delivered its full substance of "nothing." My mind had led me into a kind of intellectual suicide. Praise God that in this darkness He delivered me. Its ironic that some of the most destructive habits are the hidden ones inside dwelling deep within us waiting to be cleansed.


"Oh man! Take heed of what the dark midnight says:I slept, I slept- from deep dreams I awoke:The world is deep- and more profound than daywould have thought.Profound in her pain-Pleasure- more profound than pain of heart,Woe speaks; pass on.But all pleasure seeks eternity-a deep and profound eternity."- Friedrich Nietzsche

wasted time

"What good with it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" Matthew 16:26

Last weekend my parents had some missionaries over for lunch who my mother has been friends with for many years. They talked about the trials they have been facing in Europe and North Africa and how much they needed prayer from the churches here. But what I found interesting was a comment the wife had made. She talked about how they had gone to church that morning and found it to be a weird experience. She said that it was funny how church seemed to be so much of a social event that only happened for about an hour then ended. "You know" she commented "church is suppose to be a lifestyle." Now it's not like I hadnt heard this before, but coming from someone who it really was a lifestyle for it meant a lot. Being a christian for them is about sacrificing their wants and desires daily. To suffer is really to love. I dont even know how to suffer. All I have done for the last two weeks is nothing but waste my life. Its so hard to make that jump, to truly give up everything, when you already feel like you are serving. But its still not enough. It doesnt fulfill. Its like I am still holding on but oh.. how I want to let go.

"It was when I was happiest that I longed most...The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing...to find the place where all the beauty came from." - C.S. Lewis

I woke up this morning not in the highest spirits so i decided to take a trip to the mall and buy some Christmas presents. I walked into Hollister and as I reached over a table to grab a shirt my eyes met with a chubby junior high girl. The girl looked at me as if I were a goddess- like I was what she had for years aspired to be... a thin college girl. I graciously smiled back and walked out of the store.
How sad is our society. I wish that I could have told the little girl that her aspirations were empty. That her body would either never be beautiful enough causing people to reject her..or if she was beautiful people would only use her. I wanted to tell her that the people deemed "beautiful" in her eyes in reality are cold and cruel. That vanity would destroy her mind then her body physically then finally her soul. How sad it is that so many precious and pure girls will be sucked down such a destructive path which will promise them everything except for what they will truly gain leaving them only broken, empty, and dirty.

It is the duty of the human understanding to understand that there are things which it cannot understand, and what those things are. Human understanding has vulgarly occupied itself with nothing but understanding, but if it would only take the trouble to understand itself at the same time it would simply have to posit the paradox.- soren kierkegaard

Today in my philosophy class we were discussing Nietzsche's master/slave morality. Basically, he believed that most people are losers- most people trick themselves into believing they are free when in fact they are blindly buying into other peoples ideologies in which they are enslaved by. I find it ironic though that in Nietzche's attempt to provoke individualism, he in the end created his own followers. I asked my T.A. "isnt it ironic that so many people devoutly follow Nietzsche's teaching- conforming to his 'individualistic ideologies" - he laughed.
A boy sitting behind me declared that I was the class "spokesman."
Just something I was pondering.
ps. I think that Nietzsche was a miserable man, and in the "godless" world he paints it is so evident how corrupt man is without God.

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matthew 6:25-27

Friday morning I woke up and shoved my Bible into my backpack. I was kind of frustrated because I wanted to have a quite time but knew that with my vast amount of english homework I probably wouldn't have time. World Lit homework usually consists of opening up my colossal World Lit and reading some greek play then writing commentary on it. But friday morning was different. I opened my book up to the assigned pages and realized that we were randomly reading the sermon on the mount. I smiled and laughed while sending up a thankful prayer.
It's so neat how God speaks to me through everything, even the silence.
Tuesday night I went to breakaway and ironically the topic was the sermon on the mount. It's at moments like these that I am at awe how God works. I think sometimes skepticism gets the best of me- I quickly write off these moments as random coincidences- as if things accidentally happen. I think my lack of acknowledgement of these events is a result of a lack of faith. In my heart I can't accept that God is really a personal God. I dont have faith that He really cares about my struggles and that He is in control. Its a never ending lesson.

I was once told that genius isnt the ability to answer questions as much as it is to create new questions. Not solving the basic "why" questions but being able to create something that makes you perceive the "whys" in a new light. But how can anything truly be original? Isnt every action and every thought the reaction to something already known?
Purely the composition of reactions- feelings which are simply feelings -thoughts which are simply thoughts- and nothing more. The cold face of "behaviorism" has awakened itself upon humans leaving us with ugly and empty answers.
While some believe that "souls" are incorporated into these hollow vessels- others see it as nothing but simply a bundle of perceptions, thoughts, memories, and emotions connected together to form answers.



We just react- to something we perceive to be as "new"- but in its very definition it has tricked us. That is which unknown will remain unknown unless it decides to reveal and devalue itself. But then- then it is touchable- then it is thinkable- then it is mediocre. We innately desire the answer the "whys" because we desire to answer the universals with the particulars. We analyze every inch of our surrounding and think that it will answer our big questions. But the only clue our reality gives us is that more does exist- and that even our surrounding will be unexplainable.

Ah, the greatest paradox. How can we know anything about the unknown? How do we truly discover something that we will never to sure of? If originality and the unknown are equated then we are surrounded with genius but who is to claim that they are actually created something "original." They have reached- they have grasped- into the the shadowy abyss of "thought" and formed "nothing"