"To be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to stand in need of grace." - Brennan Manning

I am going to backtrack and write about this last semester.

This is somewhat intense maybe but we are all flawed and its through our weaknesses that we really live-through our brokenness that we grow.

Vivid flashbacks.
"Caroline what do you want- do you want it to be your choice or not?" A voice replied as i ranted about my internal battle. For weeks I had been struggling with this small question. Do I have free will? For some reason it had eaten away at me almost paralyzing me in my thoughts. It had built a wall and enslaved me. I had become obsessed with an unanswered question. No solution. No answers. Hours and hours passed as I tried to work through this puzzle with unfitted pieces. Lying in my bed...staring at my fan...around and around...it went...like my thoughts...like my emotions.

A few months before I briefly met someone - a fellow lover of philosophy- and a peculiar conversation had haunted me ever since. We were discussing the paradox and struggle of faith and reason. I commented " It's hard to find a balance between intellectual rebellion and intellectual apathy." A pause. I did not have to explain myself. "You know," he replied "most people never find the balance." -

Growing up church there were certain standards I was expected to uphold (something like): "dont go to bars- dont hang out around bad boys who will want to de-flower you- and keep your panties on!" But besides that there wasnt much accountability.
I spiraled into a black hole. I wanted to figure out everything. Yes - man's greatest struggle- wanting to attain complete sovereignty over ourselves- desiring to be our own god. Typing this out i realize how strange this must seem, but i cant even begin to explain how self- destructive I became in this battle- I would go through days where it would completely take over my life leaving me dazed and depressed. Unfortunately I thought that thinking about the solution to my over-arching problem would lead me to a solution but it- of course- only made it worse.
After school one day I spent the afternoon reading a philosophical book and in the story the main character began to have a mental breakdown as a result of hours struggling with unanswered questions. Later that night I called my mom terrified. Now, I was not having a nervous breakdown but it was as if I realized the danger of my desire.
This struggle ripped me to pieces and left me completely broken. My "thinking" was done in vain and had delivered its full substance of "nothing." My mind had led me into a kind of intellectual suicide. Praise God that in this darkness He delivered me. Its ironic that some of the most destructive habits are the hidden ones inside dwelling deep within us waiting to be cleansed.


"Oh man! Take heed of what the dark midnight says:I slept, I slept- from deep dreams I awoke:The world is deep- and more profound than daywould have thought.Profound in her pain-Pleasure- more profound than pain of heart,Woe speaks; pass on.But all pleasure seeks eternity-a deep and profound eternity."- Friedrich Nietzsche