the other

I just left a conversation over skype with a friend who just recently returned from living in Brazil's notorious favelas.
Leaving my computer, I was overwhelmed with anger.
I sat down. "Caroline, what am I so angry about."
And some how I already knew.
Im angry at the world. Im angry at people. And maybe Im just a little bit angry with myself.
Old emotions that I will never fully come to terms with.
After working with the same organization that focused on suffering and poverty, it seems that only the few people who have shared your experience are the only ones who really understand.
Others may politely listen and become bothered by your words; attempting empathy they may even cry. But you will you never look into their eyes and with an instance glance realize that they get it. No more words have to be said.
I should never pre judge people. I do not know what they have lived because I can only see the mask they wear.
But what made me so angry today?
When I first returned from Bangkok, I volunteered to teach a bible study at a youth camp. After one of the students pressed to know more about what I did overseas, I shared a few of my experiences. The youth were surprisingly receptive, but I had no idea how talking would effect me. As soon as the students left the room, I landed back into a small orange plastic chair and began to have flashbacks of a certain child I worked with. I started breathing heavily..I became a little dizzy..what was happening?
Upset after this experience, I talked to a man who had done loads of counseling. "What's going on with me? What was that? "oh," he gently replied, "your grieving."
what was I grieving? No one had died.
But in a way, maybe someone had died.
Fastforward to months later. I was watching a movie that showed, in just a flash, a cambodian woman standing on the street selling her body. And in an instant, I had a very similar experience: flashbacks, images, overwhelming sadness, tears boiling under the surface..
And its these kind of experiences that only a few people will understand. Only a few people will be able to provide some kind of solace. But in coping with these memories, I discovered, only today, something else evolve.
back to my conversation with my friend:
"caleb, what makes me so angry is that people will never understand what I experienced; they will never really see the world, and worst of all, they have their lives perfectly formulated in order to make sense of all this suffering. As they conjure up simplified answers to these colossal problems, they will be shielded from the reality of how life if. Yes, I accept a loving God who brings peace and brings healing..but I cant accept simple answers. You will never be able to emotionally and intellectually come to terms with that you have experienced. You have to accept that these issues are irreconcilable.
"Caroline, are you talking about yourself?"
And then something so profound and convicting hit me: I was not only angry at the world that creates this suffering, or the people who stand by idle and watch it happen; in the depths of my heart, I was angry at myself. You see, I realized that in not being able to cope with this hurt I've experience, I have hardened myself in some ways to not feel these pains anymore. I have become that person. Although vocally I still stand for the poor and the oppressed, my lifestyle screams apathy.
I guess this is what I really want to get down to and address: Why do we become "that something else we detest?" A few weeks ago, a seemingly homeless man started talking to me on the train. I had no idea where this vagabond had been or where exactly he was going; the only thing I really KNEW was that in that moment I saw something so profound concerning the human condition.
Our conversation started after he commented that I had "positive energy." "People's lives here are hard and superficial..that is why they dont smile. I like your energy though." Intrigued by this man's observations, I continued to listen to his stories. Trying to not stare at his snaggled teeth and tattered clothes, or turn my head at his breathe that REEKED of alcohol, I really tried to see his humanity and not objectify him because of his appearance.
The sojourner announced that he had become interested in martial arts from an early age to protect women. "You see," he explained, "my father abused me and my mother when I was a child. Now, I protect women," he added with a grin that reveal pockets in his gums where previous snaggled teeth existed.
I froze. I just couldnt come to terms with all of it. Here was a man who had a genuinely sweet and tender heart that desired to help others. In a sense, he had triumphed his father. He would give life in place of where his father had stolen it. But I couldnt ignore the overwhelming defeat I rationalized about the whole situation. He was homeless. He was a drunk. He scared children. So although in some ways he had the victory, I couldnt help but pity the loss. He couldnt deal with reality. His father took a part of him. So, he became that which is loathsome; he became the other.
Next example. A teenage boy who is raped, drugged, forced to dress as a woman, and prostituted. The boy cant deal with the reality or pain he has experienced. He is victorious because he chooses to love the innocent instead of rape them; he triumphs because the way he treats people makes the world a better place. But he is also defeated. As he looks in the mirror and runs his hands down his frail body, he continues in the identity he has been given because real life might literally kill him. So, the boy straps on his stilettos and continues down that street that has become all to familiar to him. He becomes that which he detests; he becomes the other.
But maybe most people's situations are not this extreme. Maybe most people dont experience the kind of traumatic experiences that provoke these reactions. But dont we all do it to an extent?
And so I return to that anger inside me, sitting patiently under the surface of my heart, waiting for some realization that would purge this *oh so unwanted* stream of emotions.
Why do we become that which we detest? Will I become that "other?"
And so I grieve the death of my innocence; I pray for my heart to be vulnerable, that I may feel the sorrows of the world and through the pain return the life that has been taken.

an existential experiment of displacement - prologue

A taste for truth at any cost is a passion which spares nothing.
Albert Camus
It's 1:30 in the morning here in buenos aires and im in the mood to write something deeply philosophical. Well, maybe not deeply philosophical, but something well thought out and profoundly sincere.
I have had a few glasses of wine, and finely want to express myself in a more honest way than before.

Maybe this is overtly emotional, but due to lack to sleep, wine, culture shock, home sickness, and repression of serious though, I hope that my few readers forgive me.
I ask one thing before reading anything I write:
Please use my writings as a part of a thought experiment. Well, maybe not all of my writings, but make a special exception for tonight. Yes, tonight maybe I am not fully present, so please do not take anything I write too seriously.
There are a few issues I would like to discuss. In some ways I feel intellectually repressed, hence my conversational tone in my blog, but in other ways I feel freed. I hope you can follow along.
1) A notion of truth
I would like to navigate between absolutism and relativism. I reject both as certainty, and would like to propose a balanced solution. We must acknowledge a need for balance.
An absolutist view asserts total knowledge of all things- although we find security in absolutism, we all know, as the cliché has it “deep in our hearts”, that we will never know anything with certainty.
But also, no human navigates in absolute relativity, even the most developed existentialist is still directed by some meaning in his “assertion of non- navigation”. Although we feel truth in the realizaion of grays in life, it is death to the human soul to surrender to total gray. Ironically, the person who prides themselves in relatvitism is the very person who terms to declare the “social injustices” of their communities.
2) An establishment of truths
Lets break it down to real life. What is real life? Is the rush of the big city absord in the pluralistic conflicts of the world 'real life”, or is the small country community that focuses on the trivial aspects of everyday life 'real life?' Of course, in a way, both ways address different aspects of life. The big picture of the metropolitan city, and also the small town farmer who feeds the cycle of life with the crops he delivers with his hands. Both are truth. One should not be elevated above the either. Both are equally important. The value of both is that they each attribute to the human.
3) We need to re-establish humanistic truths
Now here is what I am going to say is going to become a little sticky and abstract.
I do not believe in an absolutist truth, but I do believe in a type of universal truth. Now, although this seems contradictory, please try to follow. Or just stop!
What I definite is being a universal truth is a truth that is pro- human. Because we are all of the same species, there are going to “rights” and “wrongs” that are going to be found in every society, although maybe interpreted in maybe different ways. For example, family structure is pro human. Of course, the family structure is not absolutist, and can function in different forms, but there seems to be a universal need for family bonds.
4) An existential experiment of displacement
Perhaps one of the best ways to discover universal truth is through an existential experiment of displacement. Much like John Rawls' veil of ignorance, we must establish humanistic truths based on what we, as an individual, would choose if completely detached from our current position in life.
5) The balance between angels and animals
I think one of the most profound definitions of humanism is that which is seeks the divine, while acknowledging the animal. We MUST seek the ideal, perfection, or so to say..the heavenly. It is this which gives us hope, and it is these things that spur us on to overcome the animal. But, it is also vital to recognize we are mammals; we are not angels. We must not paint life in overtly religious rhetoric, over spiritualizing that which is not spiritual. The most obvious example of this balance is in erotic love. Being love is in a sense a denial of reality; it is envisioning a person in a divine light, which is also crushed later by life, but exists for a time. The ecstasy of the lover causes one to sore through the heavens, which as L.S. Lewis notes, it is no wonder that God created the human with such an animalistic way of consumating its affection in order to bring the person back to earth. The human, who has momentarily tasted soma, has to engage in an act that puts him back in his earthly place.
ok, enough for right now.