We sit in the mud... and reach for the stars.
Ivan Turgenev

Walking to the bus this morning was beautiful. It was cold and the sun was coming up. Like I was having some freakin existential experience..unexplainable. Somehow I ended up in the park. The truth is that after my first class I decided it skip my other ones..something I rarely do but I knew if I had to hear anymore about nathaniel hawthorne I would vomit in my mouth. What a joke. All he did was frolic around rome with his sissy buddies talking about art trying to create ethical dilemmas like he was some kind of philosopher. I ended up on the bench watching the sun beam through the trees. Watching the leaves take their last breath before winter. I just wanted to lay there forever. Its funny to think about how we grow through cycles. Seasons and years. Time and space. Yet somehow it all just starts running together as if it just mushes becoming undefinable. Today happens again tomorrow like yesterday: and here we go again. Year by year. Thought by Thought. Everything the same but in different packages. All of it so beyond us yet we act like we somehow comprehend it- knowing the alternative would be insanity/ As if we are little children knowing our punishment is coming so we curl up with are hands over our heads trying to drown out the reality pouring down around us.
The other day one of my philosophy professors said "why do we all think everyone would go bad if we did away with morals? We havent always had "morality"
I almost fell off my seat when she said this.
I can just see her now in the jungles of the amazon trying to rationalize with the cannibals.
It made me think about this old russian film I watched a few years ago. It was about this young woman who fell in love with this man, and he was really fond of her but he thought he would corrupt her and such so he cut things off. A few years later he saw her at this grand party and realized that she was married to some hotshot duke. He instantly became infatuated with her and did everything in his power to get her in bed/ Of course, it was evident that she admired her husband but was still crazy in love with this guy. I remember this beautiful scene where they are both ice skating. They are in russia surrounded by snow. The beautiful woman starts skating around and the guy just stands there staring at her and you know at that moment he would give his life to be with her. The movie ends with her sitting down and him on his knees before her begging her to love him. Up until this point its obvious that she loves him back and everyone thinks they are going to get back together. But the end really surprised me : she started crying with him- you could tell she was in a lot of pain- but she told him that she made a commitment to her husband and would never dishonor him. And then the movie ended. It sounds kind of depressing...and trust me it was...but the point was that morality should dictate our decisions. The point was that regardless of how bad the woman thought she wanted the man, it was more important for her to honor her husband and I think anyone who saw this movie would be proud of her because deep down your greatly admired her.
There is something deep inside of us that wants morality- that wants boundaries. How is the married woman who goes around screwing any man she sees any different from an animal?
I dont think my professor really had any idea of what she was talking about. Its ironic how some of the most educated people are the most ignorant. It seems like they just sit around drinking cocktails discussing how they are going to stop world hunger in their ivory towers while in the meantime their are people down bellow in the gutters begging for food.
I just wondered as I sat on that green bench: what keeps driving us into such deep denial about the world around us?